The Derelict Press has been cultivating sources inside the Kingdom of Heaven for years. This has led to insights into the celestial plane’s selection process, operational methods, and institutional knowledge, but because of their legendarily airtight security measures, we have never been able to obtain official Holy Documents from inside the godly realm. Until now. 

According to an administrative assistant stationed within the Sacred Ministry of the Pearly Gates, representatives of Donald Trump, current president of the United States, have been in constant contact since the beginning of 2025. The inquiries have primarily concerned the Ministry’s position on Trump’s admittance into the Sweet Hereafter. 

After much haggling over Sacred Policy & Procedure, the Ministry relented and allowed a slight break of protocol, permitting Trump to fill out his “Application For Divine Transcendence" ahead of time instead of waiting until the moment of his death, which is the typical standard required of Mere Mortals. What follows is that application, reprinted in full.

APPLICATION FOR DIVINE TRANSCENDENCE 

WHO ARE YOU? INCLUDE FULL NAME AND BIOGRAPHICAL DETAILS TO AVOID MISTAKEN IDENTITIES

Donald J Trump of Mar-a-lago, the most beautiful club you’ve ever seen. The golf course is out of this world, people tell me it’s the best course they’ve ever played on, and they’ve played on all the greats. Very beautiful club, a tremendous place to live, and many say it’s the best club anywhere to be a member of. We’re doing things with golf and ballrooms that nobody’s ever seen before.

WHAT IS YOUR RELEVANT WORK EXPERIENCE? BE SPECIFIC

Businesses and doing business. Many businesses, all very successful. Amazing success. I build many things, buildings you wouldn’t believe. The construction workers, they build things for me. They tell me, big strong guys, but they tell me, sir your business is saving my family. They don’t have to say it, but many do. I’m saving their family by being such a tremendous success, and very often with tears in their eyes. Sir, you’re very strong at success, and the radical left doesn’t want to believe it. We’re doing tremendous things, but I won’t list all my many incredible businesses that are very successful, because they are very well known.

DESCRIBE A TIME IN YOUR LIFE THAT EMPATHY PLAYED A MAJOR ROLE, AND HOW IT AFFECTED YOU 

I had an empathy once, years ago when all of a sudden I realized, I should be president. The country, it’s a disaster, and out of nowhere I have an empathy. They’re saying the country has never been better, that there’s never been a better president. All thanks to that empathy I had many years ago. And the people love it.

HAVE YOU EVER HONESTLY ADMITTED TO BEING IN THE WRONG?

Very nasty question.

HAVE YOU EVER FORGIVEN ANYONE WHO DIDN’T DESERVE IT?

There are many people, absolutely disgusting people, who have done terrible things to me. And forgiveness, we’re very forgiving. I am forgiving very strongly to a lot of bad, weak people. Whackjobs, many of which tell the most terrible lies about me. A lot of them, they lie. Nasty people, the worst, very low IQ, that should never be forgiven for being very horrible. 

HAVE YOU EVER CHOSEN TO BE KIND EVEN IF IT COST YOU SOMETHING? WHAT DID IT COST YOU, AND WHAT DID YOU GAIN FROM THE EXPERIENCE?

It’s very unfair to ask more than one question at a time. Such a dirty trick.

HOW DID YOU TREAT THOSE THAT HAD NOTHING TO OFFER YOU?

So many people with nothing, they say to me, sir you treat us very kindly, and you’re saving our country. They’re saying this to me, and I’m very rich, and if they have something to give me, it’s very sad actually. And I can take it, really I don’t need it, because I’m the best success they’ve ever seen. But they give me things, they send me money, and what am I supposed to do, give it back?

DESCRIBE A TEMPTATION THAT YOU WALKED AWAY FROM BECAUSE IT WASN’T RIGHT

I didn’t know Jeffrey Epstein, he was a bad guy. He liked things that were temptations, secret things, and I kicked him out of Mar-a-lago. He was very fun, a terrific guy, everyone agreed he was very terrific. But horrible, he did horrible things and I asked him to leave. But I never met him, though many have.

SPECIAL SKILLS?

Golf.