In the spring of 2021, professional fundraiser J.D. Vance began the process of cashing in his portfolio of high-powered & well-monied connections to launch a Senate campaign in the state of Ohio, spurred by a $10 million donation to a pro-Vance superPAC by delusional maniac Peter Thiel.
Things got off to a rocky start. The candidate’s total lack of charisma, and a personality most often described as “greasy,” made him a tough sell to the people of Ohio, and the campaign — flush with cash, but flailing — was willing to try anything to turn the tide.
Which is why, when independent broadcast television station WMFD in Mansfield inquired if the future vice president would appear on the pilot episode of a locally-produced afternoon gameshow, the upstart political operation took what any experienced campaign would consider an unacceptable risk, and agreed.
It was a disaster. So bad that the show was shut down and canceled before the pilot was even completed. As of press time, no known copy of the episode has ever been found.
According to rumors on the ground, Thiel himself swooped in within hours of the aborted production and made a backroom deal with the ownership of WMFD — believed to be in the mid-seven figures — and demanded the destruction of the humiliating footage captured that day.
The underground rumors are even more cynical, suggesting that WMFD management concocted the entire farce as an elaborate scheme to swindle Thiel out of millions, though like any good underground rumors, they remain entirely unsubstantiated.
However, in the brief time between the production of the episode and the obliteration of all evidence of its existence, an intrepid, low-level WMFD employee managed to email themselves a written transcript of the show onto a third-party, encrypted server.
Now, more than four years later and at great organizational risk, The Derelict Press is finally printing that transcript of Cheese Or Noodle, hosted by Mansfield, OH, local legend Chip Dipschwitz, below.
[BEGIN TRANSCRIPT]
[Theme song plays. Applause from the small studio audience.]
ANNOUNCER: Welcome to the Mid-Ohio Region’s favorite new game show, CHEESE OR NOODLE!
[Trepidatious applause, apparent confusion.]
ANNOUNCER: And now, your host, a mainstay of WMFD daytime programming for nearly three decades, Chip Dipschwitz!
[Thunderous applause as Chip enters Stage Right and takes his place behind the host’s podium.]
CHIP: Thank you! Thank you, ladies and gentlemen!
[The applause is even louder now. Chip motions for the audience to calm down, which they do reluctantly.]
CHIP: I’m so happy to be here to introduce you to an exciting new addition to our WMFD lineup. In a moment, you’re going to meet our two contestants, who will compete against each other by deciding if what they’re looking at is Cheese, or a Noodle. [laughs]
[Soft chatter spreads through the audience.]
CHIP: I know it sounds weird, but why don’t we jump into the game, and we’ll see how it goes. We have a couple of wonderful contestants today: The first you might recognise as the manager of our local CVS pharmacy right here in Mansfield, please welcome Ashley Harris!
[Ashley enters to applause and takes her place behind a contestant’s podium]
CHIP: Ashley, how are you today?
ASHLEY: I’m pretty good, Chip.
CHIP: You’re the manager of a CVS, is that right? That makes you a pillar of the community.
ASHLEY: It’s the one on Lexington, by the UPS Store. But I’m just one of the assistant managers. Actually our store hasn’t had an actual GM in like six months. Nobody wants the job though. No thanks.
CHIP: Well, you’re doing important work nonetheless.
ASHLEY: Yeah, it’s okay. I was at the Wendy’s across the street for a while. Definitely better than that.
[A single muffled cough from the audience. Chip gives a hard glance to the producer behind the camera.]
CHIP: [beat] Fantastic! Well, let’s move on to our next exciting guest. He’s recently entered the race for one of Ohio’s seats in the US Senate, please welcome J.D. Vance!
[Vance takes his place behind the second contestant’s podium to moderate applause.]
VANCE: Thanks, guys!
[Vance gives a polite wave, but as he brings his hand down, it somehow comes too close to his body and knocks the lav mic off his shirt. He clumsily attempts to reattach it.]
VANCE: [muffled audio] Whoops, ha. I think— I got—
CHIP: [to himself] Jeezus —
[Production paused for three and a half minutes while tech crew untangle Vance from mic cable and reattach.]
[TRANSCRIPT CONTINUES]
CHIP: Are we good? Figure it out?
PRODUCER: [inaudible]
CHIP: No! Just start with him there, we don’t need another screwup. [beat] We’re rolling? So just go?
VANCE: If we want, I can—
CHIP: Nope. Nope. You’re good right there. [long beat, deep breath] J.D., welcome to Cheese or Noodle.
VANCE: Happy to be here, Chip. And I’m looking forward to serving the American people.
CHIP: Running for Congress. That must be exciting. What made you want to get into politics? Sounds like a nightmare!
[The audience laughs heartily at Chip’s weak joke, ready to move on from the awkwardness of the last few minutes.]
VANCE: It’s actually not that funny, because of the woke policies tearing apart this country.
ASHLEY: What—
CHIP: It’s an honor, I’m sure, to serve the people of Ohio in any way you can.
VANCE: That’s what I keep trying to tell them.
[Someone in the audience drops their phone.]
CHIP: Okay contestants, are you ready to play Cheese or Noodle!?!
ASHLEY: Uh, yeah.
VANCE: You bet, Chip.
CHIP: Then let’s begin Round One!
[Perfunctory applause.]
CHIP: We’re going to bring out a tray of 10 items in various shapes and sizes, and the contestants will have to figure out if those items are made of cheese, or are made of noodle. Each correct guess is worth five points, and the winner of the round gets a bonus of twenty points. Ashley, are you ready to Cheese or Noodle?
ASHLEY: [laughs] I guess so! Weird as hell, but I’m down.
CHIP: J.D., are you ready to Cheese or Noodle?
VANCE: Y’know, Chip, this is a premise I just fundamentally disagree with.
CHIP: [playing it off] It’s Ohio’s next afternoon game show smash hit!
VANCE: Something is either a Cheese, or a it’s a Noodle. The American people are tired of the word games—
[the squirming in the audience is somehow audible]
CHIP: Let’s get into the items, and I think it will all make a lot more sense.
ASHLEY: Dude.
VANCE: I’m afraid this is going to turn into typical gotcha journalism.
[A few low, scattered boos.]
CHIP: Now hold on there. [to producer behind camera] What do we need to do here?
PRODUCER: [inaudible]
CHIP: [to producer] Too late, it’s already a fucking disaster.
ASHLEY: Are we still playing?
VANCE: We should be talking about the scoring system, because I don’t see any reason to continue if the judges are biased against—
CHIP: [plowing through] We’re starting Round One, and all you have to do is guess whether each item is made of Cheese, or made of Noodle.
[Some applause, words of encouragement for Chip from the audience.]
VANCE: And now it’s obvious that the studio audience has been cherry picked for liberal bias, and will be outraged at any answer I give because they’re offended by the gluten in pasta, or the lactose in cheese.
[Loud boos. A few audience members stand up and yell obscenities at Vance. Production assistants encourage them back into their seats.]
ASHLEY: Yo, am I being punk’d?
PRODUCER: [inaudible]
CHIP: [to producer] I just want to call it. It was a fucking stupid idea for a show anyway, now this asshole—
VANCE: I knew the elites in the audience weren’t going to like what I had to say, but the American people know what’s important about—
[An audience member throws a half-full bottle of Dr. Pepper at Vance, which hits the front of his podium and sprays soda onto Vance’s neck and face.
Two members of the WMFD security team enter from backstage and stand between Vance and the audience, scanning for the bottle-thrower. Which causes the audience to get louder and angrier.]
CHIP: [muffled audio] —uncalled for!
[Chip and Ashley both leave the stage. The audience screams invectives at Vance.]
VANCE: No no no, it’s okay. Because everyone needs to see this. This is how the liberal mob behaves! This is what happens when we put the left in charge of—
[Vance puts both hands on the podium and leans forward to emphasise the point. His left hand slips, which causes him to fall forehead-first into the podium, which practically explodes underneath him as he collapses to the floor on top of the rubble.
Uproarious laughter and angry threats from the studio audience as Vance gathers himself. Several audience members on their feet.
The security guards get into crowd control mode as Vance gets up on one knee. The producer runs across the stage, waving her arms, screaming off-mic.
A chair is thrown onto the stage, missing Vance by only a few feet.]
[TAPE ENDS]
[END TRANSCRIPT]